Traits of a narcissistic mother in law ; what to do

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narcissistic mother in law

The narcissistic mother in law suffers from a personality disorder that affects about 2% of all women.

This disorder, i.e. narcissism, moves them to love only themselves and constantly seek attention, be it through wealth, charisma, beauty or talent.

While narcissistic mother in law (s) exude charm and charisma in public, their families get to see a completely different, negative side .

The children and in-laws of a narcissistic mother suffer from never having experienced real motherly love.

Like all children, they need selfless affection to grow spiritually healthy.

However, a narcissistic mother in law guarantees a lack of closeness, support, and security.

Are you wondering if you have a narcissistic mother in law too?

Here are 8 sad signs that confirm your terrible suspicions:

Signs of narcissistic mother in law

Narcissistic Mother in law // Sign # 1: It must all be about her

If you want to talk to your mother in law about your problems, it won’t be long before she turns the conversation back on herself.

Narcissists are completely self-focused and get bored when it’s not about them.

They don’t really care about other people, even their own children cannot arouse real human interest in them.

If your mother in law asks you, contrary to her usual habit, how things are going in your life or marriage, it is usually only to listen to you and to stay in control.

It is not about building a good bond with you, but about strengthening her position of power in your relationship.

Any information she gets about you may one day use it against you.

A narcissistic mother in law sees herself as the center of the family.

All other family members are in their eyes just extras who serve to support their main role.

For example, when she comes home to visit she complains about what a long day she had and how exhausted she is.

However, she does not ask the other family members how their day went.

A narcissistic mother in law often misinterprets situations.

Because she thinks that no matter what someone says or does, it is directly or indirectly about them.

If you say, “Look, my best friend gave me this lovely necklace,” a narcissistic mother in law may respond, offended: “I gave you a necklace the year before last, don’t you remember?”

In this way, completely unnecessary conflicts arise.

Sign # 2: She’s putting on a show in public

A narcissistic mother in law attaches great importance to her public image, even if it is at the expense of her children.

It is important to her to be special and to achieve this goal she uses her chicken like tools .

Even small children are forced to look perfect and to display impeccable manners so that mothers can boast of them in front of others.

Narcissists are addicted to any kind of attention.

When their children look peeled off the beaten track and bring home great grades, it leads to admiration for the mother from teachers, other mothers, neighbors and work colleagues.

At home she constantly criticizes her children, (both young and old) but in public she never tires of telling other people how proud she is of her gifted and beautiful children and in laws.

In doing so, she underlines her share in the children’s success, so that it suddenly looks like her success.

As an in law, you probably realized early on that this is not about you, but that you are just an accessory that your narcissistic mother adorns herself with.

A narcissistic mother in law will not only uses her children to look interesting, she often invests in her own looks to get compliments on a great hairstyle, fashionable clothes, or slim figure.

Since her thoughts revolve around prestige and social status, she likes to talk about her possessions, planned new acquisitions, the next vacation or the important contacts she allegedly made.

Your message to the outside world is:

Look everyone, my life is extraordinary and remarkable!

I am superior to you!

I bet you guys would like what I have too!

What normal people cannot understand is that narcissists are psycho-vampires who greedily soak up negative attention such as the envy and resentment of their fellow human beings.

Some narcissistic mother in laws discovered social media.

Here they skillfully demonstrate to their surroundings how grandiose and admirable their life is.

Also read: How to deal with toxic people 

Narcissistic Mother in law // Sign # 3: She is in competition with her daughter in law

A surefire sign that your mother is a narcissist is when she competes with you for beauty, success or attention.

This behavior is extremely different from normal mother in laws and indicates the extent to which a narcissistic mother can cause harm to her sons’ wife.

For example, the mother can refuse to attend a family event simply because she feels if she won’t attend she will make you feel bad.

Or she tells your children not to call her grandma in public because this makes her look old.

The mother competes with her daughter for the best voice or the ability to make the most money.

If your mom is constantly trying to outdo you, you are dealing with a narcissist.

The fear of potentially losing out in a competition with you leads to a narcissistic mother in law constantly putting you down to damage your self-esteem and gain the upper hand in your relationship.

She scribbles on you, she compares you to others and plays down your successes.

(“Why are you not like my friends’ daughter in law? She has is so presentable!)

It makes you feel like something is wrong with you and that you will never be good enough.

Also read : How to take care of your child’s mental health 

Sign # 4: She has no empathy whatsoever

Actually, one expects mothers to be loving, to care for their children and in laws and to adjust to their emotional state.

These rules do not apply to a narcissistic mother in law

She only loves herself and therefore neglects the emotional needs of her family.

The narcissistic mother in law is so focused on herself that she cannot empathize with your psyche.

She doesn’t care if the child doesn’t get along with her new partner.

She is simply not interested in the soul of any married person in the family.

In their eyes, your feelings are unimportant, only their own feelings matter.

As the daughter in law of a narcissistic mother, you are used to it all your life that nobody comforts you and that you have to comfort yourself.

The result is that you don’t feel close to your mother.

Narcissistic Mother in law // Sign # 5 // She has a victim mentality

A narcissistic mother in law would never admit that she did anything wrong.

It is always everyone else’s fault, never yourself.

Narcissists have no problem finding faults in other people and delivering harsh criticism.

However, you can take zero criticism yourself.

The words “Sorry, I’m sorry” are foreign words to them.

Perhaps you have already tried to sort out a situation with your mother.

When she suspected that you were shaking her perfection, she refused to continue the conversation.

Sign # 6: She can’t forgive you

A narcissistic mother in law is resentful.

If you lied to her when you were dating her son or daughter, it may well be that she still blames you when you are 20 years into the family and cites this as the reason she can’t trust you.

You have long since forgotten the incident, but not your mother in law.

For them it is only a matter of time before they will pull an affront to themselves out of the moth box and retaliate.

The words grace or understanding are alien to her.

Narcissistic Mother in law // Sign # 7: She has low self-esteem

Despite her inflated ego and superior demeanor, your narcissistic mother in law suffers from a lack of self-esteem, which is why she sometimes falls into depression.

Her life is an eternal struggle to maintain her position on a pedestal and defeat all of her (sometimes imaginary) enemies.

She is busy protecting and puffing up her ego all day.

Sign # 8: Despite her charisma, she has no real friends

At first glance, most of the people who meet your mom in law are excited about her.

She is eloquent, charming and optically an eye-catcher.

But this enthusiasm doesn’t last long.

Over time, people will realize that your mother in law is very superficial, exalting herself at her own expense, and that she constantly wants to be admired.

Plus, people see the discrepancy between their snooty demeanor and reality.

You can see that she makes up all sorts of things about herself, but in reality she may have big money problems .

At some point, interacting with her leaves a bitter aftertaste on people, making them feel used and shunned.

Narcissists also suffer from a great, inner emptiness that makes it impossible to form a close emotional bond with them.

Sometimes, however, it is also herself who simply drops people overnight because, in her opinion, she gets too little attention and admiration from them.

How to deal with a narcissistic mother in law?

narcissistic mother in law

If so, make sure that you keep a large spatial and temporal distance from her.

Because the more you expose yourself to this woman, the more damage she will do to your psyche.

If, for whatever reason, you are not (yet) able to completely cut off contact with your mother in law, then at least use the gray-rock method when confronted with her.

The gray rock method is to stop giving your psycho-vampire narcissistic mother in law emotions to feed on.

No matter what effects and tricks she uses, you remain emotionless.

You show no anger, no anger, no pain, no sadness, no matter what she tries to trigger you with.

You only give her superficial information about what is going on in your life so that you no longer offer her any target.

In her presence you become a dull, cold, gray stone.

In the long run you will become more and more boring for them.

Narcissists love emotional dramas with which to fill their deeply superficial, empty lives with excitement.


The more boring you get for her, the more she leaves you alone.

how does it look in action?

Keep any conversation with her short and sweet.

If you don’t have to talk to her, then don’t either.

Avoid her nearness, sit in a different corner from her at family celebrations, avoid all contact as much as possible.

But do it inconspicuously, otherwise she will use this to attack you.

If she asks you, how are you, your answer is always: “I’m  s fine, thank you.”

If she asks you what did you do yesterday, then you answer something like: “I ch worked and was then shopping at the supermarket.”

If she asks you for your opinion, answer as vaguely as possible with “ Let’s see” or “ I ‘ll think about it”.

Don’t let her peg you on anything.

Stop talking about your personal life no matter what you are going through.

She will try to hurt you with any information you give her.

Don’t ask her questions about her life because that’s exactly the kind of attention she wants from you.

Also, do not engage in any debates or arguments with her.

Communicate with her only about safe facts like the weather.

Don’t show any emotions!

Don’t talk about the past.

If she accuses you of anything, just say,  Yes, it could be. I certainly had my part in it. 

Do not get involved in discussions!

It all sounds pretty harsh, I know.

It is necessary, however, because narcissism is one of the least curable mental illnesses because those affected completely lack insight into the illness.

Narcissists, in their own opinion, are not doing anything wrong.

If you grew up with a narcissistic mother as well, you will need therapy.

This woman has been sawing your self-esteem all your life.

She saw her task as making it clear to you that something is wrong with you, something like that leaves deep psychological damage.

You could never be yourself around her, but always had to conform to her ideal of a child.

Chances are you have not been able to develop many aspects of your personality properly under these conditions.

If there is anywhere women who should spend time finding themselves, it is definitely the daughters and sons of narcissists.

All their lives they have been overshadowed by an overpowering, all-consuming mother, so that they often do not even know who they really are.

They don’t know their own likes and dislikes because they have focused entirely on their mother’s likes and dislikes so as not to get into trouble with her.

It is time that you tear this insatiable soul parasite, which is stupidly your birth mother, from you and begin to heal.

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